RAM
DOUBLER
2000 XP PRO ULTIMATE EDITION™
DOUBLE YOUR RAM INSTANTLY!!!
Your computer is running at 50% capacity. Big Tech doesn’t want you to know this one weird trick. Doctors hate it. Modems fear it. Your RAM will literally become twice as much RAM.
RAMDOUBLER_FINAL_v2_REAL(1).EXE · 0.0001 MB · No install required · No uninstall possible
Scanning your computer without permission...
Your RAM (un-doubled, tragic)
*Doubling is permanent, irreversible, and imaginary.
C:\> ramdoubler.exe --yes --really --i-understand-the-risks
Waiting for user to press the big button...
_
NEW!!! IDLE EDITION!!!
STILL NOT ENOUGH RAM?
Introducing RAM TYCOON™: the idle clicker where a 56k modem downloads RAM while you sleep, toolbars farm themselves, and Dale comes to your house. Climb the global leaderboard for most RAM ever held.
🖱️ PLAY RAM TYCOON™Free forever · autosaves · offline progress · 100% imaginary
Patented* Technology
HOW DOES IT WORK???
Great question. Next question.
Instant Doubling
Doubles your RAM in 3.7 seconds*. *Seconds may be minutes. Minutes may be a lifestyle.
Electron Compression
Squeezes electrons to half size so twice as many fit. Science cannot explain it because we did not ask science.
Cloud Defrag
Defragments the cloud so RAM downloads faster from the internet. Works best on a clear day.
AI Powered
Now with AI. We added the letters to the box. The box is 40% more expensive. The box is free.
Blockchain Ready
Every doubling is written to a blockchain. We do not understand it either, but it uses a lot of electricity, so it must be good.
100% Safe*
*Our lawyers have asked us to stop finishing this sentence.
56k Optimized
Works over dial-up. Your mom can still use the phone. (She cannot. We are sorry, Brenda.)
Free Toolbar
Includes a toolbar. It cannot be removed. It is part of you now. It has always been part of you.
Smart Idle Mode
When you stop using your computer, the RAM keeps doubling in the background. Please check on it.
Enterprise-grade architecture
POWERED BY 14 MICROSERVICES
Each one is a real Node function. Each one does nothing. Together, they do nothing at scale. Live status straight from the mesh:
Finds where the RAM is. It is usually behind the CPU.
Compresses electrons to 50% so twice as many fit.
Makes bits bigger. Bigger bits, more RAM.
Reticulates splines. Nobody has asked what this means since 1989.
Defragments the cloud. The literal cloud. Outside.
Installs the toolbar. Cannot be scaled down. Cannot be stopped.
Uninstalls Bonzi Buddy. He always comes back.
Pre-warms the 56k modem so the RAM downloads faster.
Temporarily suspends the second law of thermodynamics.
Applies blockchain to the RAM. We do not know what this means.
Enables AI mode. The A stands for Actual. The I stands for Impressive.
Counts hits. Has been at 1,000,000 since 1998 on purpose.
Remembers who has the most RAM. Redis. One sorted set. Immense power.
The core doubling engine. Multiplies a number by two. Took 6 sprints.
Total lines of business logic across the mesh: 2 (multiply by two; remember who has the most). Monthly cloud bill: yes.
Scientific Comparison
BEFORE vs. AFTER
| Metric | 😞 Your computer NOW | 😎 After RAM DOUBLER™ |
|---|---|---|
| RAM | Some | ✓ TWICE as some |
| Speed | Slow | ✓ FAST (in all caps) |
| Startup time | 4 minutes | ✓ 4 minutes, but confident |
| Viruses | Probably | ✓ Different ones |
| Feelings | Sad, gray, beige | ✓ Ecstatic, neon, RGB |
| Cup holders | 1 (CD tray) | ✓ 2 (we doubled it) |
| Y2K status | Doomed | ✓ Compliant |
| Toolbars | 0 | ✓ Yes |
| Fan noise | Loud | ✓ Louder, but proud |
Results based on a study of one computer (ours) conducted in 1997 (from memory).
Real* Reviews
4,982,113 HAPPY CUSTOMERS
*Names changed. Also the quotes. Also the people.
“I downloaded RAM Doubler and now my computer is TOO fast. I had to buy a slower one.”
“My Gateway 2000 gained sentience. It lives in the other room now. We don’t talk. 5 stars.”
“I can no longer feel my modem.”
“We rolled it out to 400 machines. We now have 800 machines. HR is confused. Facilities is furious.”
“Mom asked me to fix her computer. I did this instead. Mom has 1 YB of RAM now. Mom is not happy.”
“I do not endorse this product. I was not consulted. Please remove my photo from the box.”
“doubled my ram 40 times. my computer is now a small star. AMA”
“I ran it on my toaster. Toast is now done in half the time. It’s cold, but it’s done.”
“The nice man on the phone said I had 17 hidden RAMs. He was right. I found one in the couch.”
“I downloaded RAM Doubler and now my computer is TOO fast. I had to buy a slower one.”
“My Gateway 2000 gained sentience. It lives in the other room now. We don’t talk. 5 stars.”
“I can no longer feel my modem.”
“We rolled it out to 400 machines. We now have 800 machines. HR is confused. Facilities is furious.”
“Mom asked me to fix her computer. I did this instead. Mom has 1 YB of RAM now. Mom is not happy.”
“I do not endorse this product. I was not consulted. Please remove my photo from the box.”
“doubled my ram 40 times. my computer is now a small star. AMA”
“I ran it on my toaster. Toast is now done in half the time. It’s cold, but it’s done.”
“The nice man on the phone said I had 17 hidden RAMs. He was right. I found one in the couch.”
Limited Time Offer (since 1996)
CHOOSE YOUR EDITION
All editions are identical. The tiers are for you.
BASIC
For people with RAM.
- ✓Doubles RAM (once)
- ✓1 toolbar
- ✓Email support (we email you)
- ✓Certificate of Doubling
PRO
For people who want RAM twice.
- ✓Doubles RAM TWICE (that is 4×)
- ✓3 toolbars
- ✓Phone support (we call you, at dinner)
- ✓Removes Bonzi Buddy*
- ✓Free screensaver (flying toasters, but RAM)
ULTIMATE
For people who have gone too far.
- ✓Unlimited doublings
- ✓Toolbar becomes sentient
- ✓A guy named Dale will come to your house
- ✓Y3K compliant
- ✓Your RAM gets a LinkedIn
*Bonzi Buddy cannot be removed. Nothing removes Bonzi Buddy. He is eternal. He says hi.
F.A.Q.
FREQUENTLY ASKED
(Nobody asked. We wrote these ourselves.)
No.